Another Nightmare!

Today is the last day of 2005. I woke up at 3:30am shivering of cold and a nightmare I’ve seen. Kidnappers put me and a friend of mine, who is not a journalist and not even in Iraq now, in a room. They pointed AK47s at us and said they will kill us soon. I saw the door opened in from of me, but couldn’t escape. I don’t know why. I remembered the nightmare I had when I was in the U.S. I couldn’t shout for help in that nightmare. I think deep in my mind, I know I am alone and no one would help me if I am in trouble. It is repeated in my dreams that I am in trouble and couldn’t escape it. I feel alone. All my long-time real friends have left the country. I have no one to talk to when I need.

This is the first New Year’s Eve I spend alone, without my end-of-the-year-cigar, S. B. and M. I need them and they say they miss my sense of humor. B. the other day, when we were on the phone, said “I didn’t laugh hard since I last met you before I left the country.” I know you are happy guys, Happy New Year.

S. asked me to go to where he is now to spend Christmas time there, which I could, but I am saving money for a more important project!!

My niece last night hugged me for the first time ever. She is the best thing I care about in this country.

Because I woke up three hours ahead of the usual time today, I had the chance to smoke in my bed and think quietly. What have I achieved this year? I’ve named my niece, I’ve been to the Statue of Liberty, I’ve said the most important thing I wanted to say to someone in a long time, I celebrated my 27th birthday, my family asked me to get married many times (they asked many times, not to marry many times!!) and I refused, as usual, and I established this blog!

What has Iraq achieved this year? More than 25,000 civilians killed in terrorism acts, three elections, and the same leaders.

I made someone really upset today, without meaning it. So I apologize and Happy New Year

Wish you all a better life ahead and a very Happy New Year.

Feeh!

Some thoughts

For those who were talking about reconstruction, here is the latest from the reconstruction-ongoing land:

- Baghdad lacks water for more than 15 hours a day for 10 days now.

- Most of the neighborhoods in Baghdad get less than 5 hours of electricity a day for ten days. In my neighborhood, we get 2 hours of electricity a day.

- I live in a polluted room now. Because there is no electricity to operate my electric heater, I use kerosene heater. Have u ever slept in a room where all what u breath is smoke?? Try it and tell me what you think. I wake up at night, hardly breathing, because the heater doesn’t work properly because the kerosene I am buying is mixed with water. As gasoline and diesel and everything else in Iraq, you cannot trust your source!!

- Yesterday, I was talking to my aunt, who voted in the elections. She said “this is the last time I vote this year. What is the benefit I got? I still need gasoline for my generator, still cannot tell people to who I voted (for fear of being killed or fired from her work) and I still don’t know where we are heading in the future. And ironically, most if those who nominated in the elections are not in Iraq, and the rest are having fun in Kurdistan!!”

- Ansar Al-Sunna announced that they will continue their “anti-occupation” operations!! Which means more Iraqis to be killed, more children to be orphans, more women to be widows, more condemns by the government, more condemns by the politicians, more condemns and promises for a better life by Bush, and more news for us to write. But less hope for everyone.

- Treasure of Baghdad sent me a msg saying that he knows I feel lonely in Baghdad because he is away. So for God’s sake, come back.

- Once one of the editors, who I really admire and like, told me a joke about the relation between an editor and a writer. The joke says: an editor and a writer were lost in the desert. They were thirsty. A while later, they found and oasis. So they both hurried to the water to drink. The writer was drinking, when he noticed that the editor was pissing in the water. The writer: What are you doing? You are messing up with our water!! The editor: No, I am making it better!!

So my point is that I remembered this joke because the same editor I like and admire too much, edited my latest story, but he didn’t piss that much!! (if you are reading this my lovely editor, I want to thank you. It really looks better now. Hee hee)

- I don’t know what to do in the new year’s eve! Any suggestions?

Feeh

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL
AND WISH YOU HAPPY LIFE

(The tree above is our office's Christmas tree)

Reconstruction in Iraq!

First of all, thank you all for the nice response to the reconstruction debate that went on. I never knew this would be of such importance.
I would like now to show a picture of what is happening in Iraq now.

Some of you said that the phone system in Iraq was rehabilitated, or rebuilt the phone system. Well, the phone system was never bombed dear. The only telecommunication building which was bombed in Baghdad was the Sinak building, which was for communication outside Iraq. And believe it or not, the building is still rubble! But that doesn’t mean there is no telecommunication rehabilitation in the country. There are some neighborhood that lost the connection because of the insurgent attacks, and these were rehabilitated. Also, in Anbar, the U.S. and insurgent bombs killed the service, and just recently the U.S. Marines rebuilt the system in Fallujah only.

Some of you talked about the water system. Well, for God’s sake, I live in the country and see it everyday. I just wish you could be in Baghdad in a rainy day. Streets flood with water and sewer. Garbage everywhere in the streets, while the Americans are paying billions of dollars to finance municipality projects.

(I hope you are getting my point. I am not saying “the Americans did nothing in Iraq” what I say is that the development is not notable for whatever reason is. So don’t take it personal. I am saying what the Iraqis feel, and that’s why this blog exists.)

Have you ever asked where are these neighborhoods, where the reconstruction is taking place?? Have you ever wondered why there is still disappointment in the Iraqi community of there are news talking about reconstruction? Well, let me tell you a story: a while ago, I went to Tikrit, North of Baghdad, to help in writing a story about reconstruction. We were told that the American army, in cooperation with the Iraqi government, has rebuilt a bridge in the city. When we arrived to the army base, from where we were supposed to be taken by the army to the bridge. Then we were told ,that we could walk to the bridge. We were wondering if it is this safe to walk around with the U.S. army in the streets for a long walk. But then discovered that the reconstruction they were talking about, which was done two years after the invasion, was right in front of the U.S. military base gate. We put our heads out of the base, to be in the project!

Now, I know all about the security situation and need no one to debate it with me. I live here and know how it is. All what I am saying is that there is no real construction that people can feel and see, because obviously people don’t live near military bases or in military bases.

I can give you examples of reconstruction, as you did, too. There is a big circle being built to facilitate traffic, but in the Green Zone. There are many buildings and housing units being built, but for the foreign contractors also on bases or the green zone. And above all, there is a 5-star hotel to be built also in the Green Zone to house officials and foreign contractors. (this was reported in The Washington Post a while ago. You can google Jackie Spinner to find the article)

Someone talked about hundreds of miles of transmission cables. Well dear, we don’t have power to transmit in these cables. You think power is improving in Baghdad, or you hear so. I live here. I know in my house, which is in a neighborhood that is considered high-middle-class one, we get 10 hours maximum of electricity a day. I know that is the case in Baghdad, Diyala, Mosul, Salahudin, and Anbar.

Someone said “we have completed almost 2000 projects in reconstruction at a cost of $2.2 billion. 995 are ongoing right now.” I dare you now to walk in Baghdad, or drive in a hard car, and notice one of the 2000 projects that are done, or one of the 995 that are ongoing. I dare any Iraqi now living in Baghdad to say he noticed a new building or a rehabilitated building in Baghdad since the invasion in 2003. the buildings which were bombed in the war of 2003 are still rubble. ALL OF THEM except for the ones inside the green zone, which were rebuilt to house the Iraqi government and the U.S. and British embassies.

That’s the reality form here. Of course I know why there is no reconstruction and I know that the insurgents have the biggest role in the jammed efforts to improve life in the country. I don’t doubt it. but I just wanted to reply to you all, who nicely tried to notify me of projects that you thought I don’t know about. But I did know about them as a journalist, but never noticed them as an Iraqi citizen.

There is one of you who asked me how I feel about U.S. paying journalists to print favorable stories in the paper. Although my reply to this will raise questions and debates, but I am going to say it. In such war going on in Iraq, and with the propaganda the U.S. forces need to take down all the other stream of media, I find it very logical that the U.S. administration and military to go look for outlets for their views and advertisements. Here, we have to sue and punish the newspapers not the military or the government. They have the right to offer, and the newspaper or the journalist has the right to refuse or accept. If they accept, that’s it. It is not the military responsibility anymore. Also, the reader should pay attention to what he or she reads. They should read more than one source and stream to check the info. they get of all news outlets. It is as simple as this!!

ELECTIONS IN IRAQ, DON'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU READ!!

Dec. 15.
It is the elections day. I am embedded with the U.S. Marines in the city of Fallujah. It I the only way I can go to cover the elections in this city, although I didn’t really do any covering. I was just stuck into translation after one of the guys in the office refused to go. So I had to do it.

If I wanted to go to Fallujah by myself, I wouldn’t be able to do it because security wise, going alone is one way to commit suicide, and there are many others!!

We left the place, where we spent the night, early in the morning, something like 8:30am. We headed to the first polling site. It was quiet. Not that many people came to vote at that point. Electoral commission workers blamed the timing. They said it is still early to come and vote. People are already talking about ethnically based government. Although they all said “we don’t want a government to represent one sect,” you could feel the desire for a Sunni government to come and take over almost three years of Shiite-Kurd-led country.

Fallujah is the heart of the Sunni insurgency in Iraq. It is one of the first cities in Iraq from which we heard the term “resistance” after the invasion in 2003. then we started to hear other names, like “terrorist groups” or “honest resistance and terrorism” and all the other terrifying names to include “Qaeda Organization in Iraq” led by the Jordanian mercenary, Abu Musab Zarqawi.

When we asked people to whom they voted, almost everyone said “for the Sunnis” and if not, they included this answer in their reply. Most of the people voted for slates like “The Consensus Iraqi Front, or slate No 618” or “Slaih Mutlak, or slate No 667,” and other slates, which despite all the disputes and disagreements among their leaders, they all agree on one fact. They are all Sunnis.

Later in the day, we headed to another polling site, this time 15 minutes far from where we are!! People were mad. They repeated the same slogans of “the Americans created terrorism” and “we don’t have Zarqawi in the town” and so on of the saying that we’ll never know if they were write or not. I heard people saying that Ayad Allawi, former secular Iraqi prime minister, “is the best because he is tough.” But when you ask them whom they voted for they would give you one of the slate numbers above.

Ayad Allawi allowed the military operation to force the insurgents out last Nov. “but still, he doesn’t support ethnic divisions,” one told me. He voted for Allawi, but knew the Sunni slates would win the voted in the city.

In the third polling station, I heard something weird. “The center, like many others in the city, ran out of ballots,” people complained. Many people were turned back after they’ve walked miles to arrive to a polling center to vote, witnesses said. They were told that they cannot vote because there are no ballots to bare what people wanted to say in this day.

Religious cleric, police chief, and the mayor of the city have decided that the lack of ballots and ballot boxes happened because in the precious elections, not so many people in Fallujah voted and that “we were surprised to see this number of voters to come and participate,” the cleric said “and that is why many people are not able to vote.” Can you believe this?

Now, just one question: Iraq is spending billions of dollars on alleged reconstruction, which I’ve never noticed so far, unless the cement barriers that cover Iraq are considered reconstruction. Billions of dollars are being spent on private security firms in the country to protect “the leaders of the period,” and others. So, what was the government thinking when it sent less ballots and ballot boxes than the number of registered voters in Fallujah? Was is thinking “fuck Fallujah, we don’t need the votes there because the government is for the” ?? or something like “well, why should we bother if the government is going to be Shiites and Kurds anyway” ?? but of all the possibilities, I think this is the most likely: “If they are not going to vote in huge numbers, why do we waste money? Let’s save these $2000 for reconstruction.” !!!

I Felt Safe, But I Knew It Won’t Last!

Journal of a trip to the US, March 18th-April 29th, 2005

I visited the United States of America in late March through late April, 2005. I wanted to share my days, nights and feeling with you. I hope you enjoy it.

Monday 04-25-2005
24 Steps to Liberty, Each Took a Year.
Today is my trip to New York. It is one of the trips I was waiting for because I wanted to see the Statue of Liberty. I wanted to touch it not only see it. This statue was always a legend in my mind. Since I was a child, I used to see it in movies. I wanted to see it. To be face to face with it. Given the life I lived before and the the freedom I never felt or the liberty I’ve never experienced, it was a must to go to New York.

J., S. (J.’s friend), and I drove from Washington D.C. to New York. It was a long drive, but we didn’t feel it. It was fun. I saw more of the gorgeous landscape of the U.S. I will never forget how beautiful this country is.

At 7:25pm I saw the Statue. I saw it from far, but that was enough for the night. My eyes weren’t capable of concentrating. I was gazing at the statue, but thoughts were in my mind trying to take over my concentration. I was talking to statue. I was saying “I said I am coming. Here I am.” I repeated for maybe hundred times. That was the only thing I could say at the time.

That night we went to the Village. We went to a restaurant there, where I had my first “Margarita.” It is a very nice drink. I liked it.

J. wanted to make it an unforgettable night. She decided to throw me a birthday party, although it is still five months ahead!! She suddenly left the table and came back. “no matter what they ask you, just say yes,” she whispered to me. Of course, before I even know what the story is, I blushed. “I will not say a word if you don’t tell me what is going on,” I told her in a very serious tone. Then she told e that she went and told the restaurant people that she has an Iraqi friend on her table and that “it is his birthday tonight.” I was shocked. She knows I cannot lie. I didn’t know what to say. “Just don’t do anything and act surprised,” she said.

A few minutes later, a group of people came with a huge ice cream plate singing “Happy birthday to you.” All the people were singing. I’ve never been embarrassed like this before. First, it is a lie. Second, it is a lie!!!! But I liked it because we had fun. We laughed a lot….. a lot.

While we are talking about lies, let me tell you this story: Once I was with A., another U.S. reporter with me in the office, we were at the CPIC to issue our credentials. We were late, so they wouldn’t take all the people. So A. and another guy from a U.S. news outlet had the chance to register their names, but I couldn’t. To save me the pain in the ass, the guy told the U.S. soldier that “this guy has to issue his credential because he is going to Mosul and will need it there.” The soldier turned to me and asked me of that was true. I stammered “ammm… aaa,” I couldn’t say yes. So they all laughed at me because as usual, I blushed. But then I got the ID. I think the soldier appreciated that I didn’t lie to him!!

When we went back to S.’s place, I couldn’t sleep well. I just wanted the sun to rise so I could go to the Statue of Liberty.

Finally, we woke up and took our coffee. It was the longest coffee time I’ve ever had. I went out for a walk. I lost my way several times, but that’s just me. I don’t care when I lose my way because eventually, I’ll find it back. (although I didn’t know what to say if I wanted to ask for directions. Should I say “where is S.’s place?” hee.) But never mind, I managed to go back and then we all left to the Statue.

We took a boat called “Miss Freedom” to Ellis Island, where the “Mother of Exiles” is.

We arrived to the Statue. We went inside and visited the museum first. I read the most interesting sentence I ever read there. It was “Where liberty dwells, there is my country” I loved this sentence. It is my answer to people asking how can I leave Iraq and live in another “Strange” country.

I touched the statue. Not the statue itself, but the base it stands on. We couldn’t go to the top of it, because it is not allowed anymore. But it was enough for me. I was standing under the book that “Mother of Exiles” holds. I was under the Torch. I saw her eyes. I talked to her and said “Don’t forget I came here. It meant much for me.”

Before we went inside the Statue, a guide gave us some details on the history of the statute and facts. Then she said “You will take 24 steps up to be inside the Statue of Liberty. Now, you will take 24 steps to liberty.”

By the way, I was 24 years old when Operation Iraqi Freedom started!!!

Wait for the final tomorrow!!

Feeh!
NOTE: you can read the very first entry I wrote in this blog. There, I told why I liked the statue of liberty in more details.

I Felt Safe, But I Knew It Won’t Last!

Journal of a trip to the US, March 18th-April 29th, 2005

I visited the United States of America in late March through late April, 2005. I wanted to share my days, nights and feeling with you. I hope you enjoy it.

I am still in D.C. I went to the newspaper’s building. I’ve been to the newsroom. In fact I spent 3 long days in that newsroom. I met with the managing editor, assistant managing editor for foreign, the continuous news man, executive editor, owner of the newspaper, and many other people work for the post that I don’t even remember their names. I gave a speech at there. Dozens of people came. They, as usual, asked many question. Many of the question were great and to the point. I was told that I was good at the speech. I don’t know how I did, but I know I was my self. Many said “you were a star.”

When I met with the decision makers in the newspaper, they all asked me the same question “What can we do to assure your safety while working for the Post?” and my answer was “Nothing” because they really can do nothing about that. It’s either we work or not!!!

In the newspaper, I realized how much my work is appreciated. All of our work, all of us, but I’m trying to put personal feeling here so I’ll talk about myself. When I say I am …… from the Baghdad office, it changes people’s faces. I loved the way people looked at me when I said my name and where I work (I’m talking about people in the newspaper.) when they ask me why I take the risks and work in Baghdad when you could go out of Iraq and work, I say “Because I’m doing great in my current job. It’s my life and cannot stop it” the look in their faces is a mix of shock, smile, eyes wide opened, and admiration. I loved it. It’s the real payment I got after almost 3 years of working everyday for long hours and risk. The owner said “I am proud to stand before you” when I was shaking his hand. He introduced me to people as “Our main Iraqi correspondent. Without him we wouldn’t be able to do anything in Iraq. He leads our operation in Iraq” Do you think I would ever think of leaving the paper after that?? Not that I ever thought of it.

It added a lot to me to visit the paper and see the way people look at me and see their respect face to face. I now have spare support for when I get frustrated back in Baghdad and need something to take me back to reality. Now whenever I think of the difficulty and risk of my job, I know there are people to appreciate what I do and waiting for more. So I will never stop, hopefully.

Wait for more tomorrow!

Feeh!

I Felt Safe, But I Knew It Won’t Last!

Journal of a trip to the US, March 18th-April 29th, 2005

I visited the United States of America in late March through late April, 2005. I wanted to share my days, nights and feeling with you. I hope you enjoy it.

April 16, 2005
I left North Carolina today. I took the train to Washington. I wouldn’t fly. In a plane, I wouldn’t see much of the country. I love the train because when I sit there looking out of the window, it is like I am watching a movie. Very nice!!

Last night, I was out with two people. Remember Jesse? The 20-year-old guy who wants to go to Iraq to be a reporter? He contacted me and said that he and a friend of his are willing to take me out to see more of the place. I said yes.

Before I left Iraq, friends warned me of going out with strangers. I remember one friend saying that I shouldn’t go out late and be with strangers. If I did, I have to tell someone the names of people I am with and the place I am going to. The reaction so far is that I make efforts to be with strangers and go out with them. When Jesse and his friend offered o take me out, I immediately thought of that friend, who is a very nice lady (American), and then said to myself “lets see what happens.” Of course I knew nothing would happen but to have fun. I just didn’t want to put such a barrier between people and myself. I am their guest. They wouldn’t do anything to hurt me. I feel it.

First we went to walk around in the city. It was amazing. Three young men walking around, chatting, and laughing. It is like in Baghdad or Amman or anywhere. Last night I felt like a normal young man, who is out with friends. On the sidewalk, I found these graffiti about Gay people. They asked me if we have gay people in Iraq, and I said yes. Then we talked about how different the concept and the understanding in the two countries about this subject.

We went to a Lebanese café. We had some Turkish coffee and then went to a bar. I like the bar because it was like in the movies. A backdoor, dark stairs, and then here we are. People crowded to have some fun time. I liked it. I loved last night.

Today, I came directly to J’s sister’s house. I wanted to do that since I’ve been to the U.S. but I couldn’t. Finally I met them. the other J., P. (J.’s brother in law), and A. (J.’s nephew). They were extremely nice to me. The moment the car stopped in front of their house, I felt I’m one of the family. They all were excited to see me, as much as I was. The thing made me feel comfortable was when I shook hands with P., J.’s brother-in-law, he said “Oh No, You Get a Hug” that really made me feel comfortable to be among them because I understand that men in the US don’t hug unless they know each other well, (I don’t know if that’s true or not, but that’s what I thought.)

They prepared a barbeque party for me and I really enjoyed it. J. told them I don’t eat Tomato, so they made me special salad made of lotus and lemon juice, which is my favorite salad in life. Although they are vegetarians, they made me cheeseburger (best meal ever. The pic above is of the real one I ate that night.) On dinner, they played Iraqi music that Jackie brought back from Iraq. I thought they played it because I was there, but No, they play it always, I was told. They don’t know what the lyrics say. The songs talked about longing to home. Something like “I want to fly in the air and go to Baghdad, I miss the pure water, I am thirsty, I got tired of the road” or “They say my mother is not feeling well in Iraq (sick). I said Iraq itself doesn’t feel well” and the Iraqi anthem (Which I translated and posted here before.)

Wait for more tomorrow!

Feeh!

NOTE: I am so sorry that I was this late in posting this entry. I wasn’t in Baghdad. I was reporting in another proving, so I had very limited access to internet, or non in fact. Then I came back exhausted of three non-sleeping days, so I went home and took some rest. I know you would understand!!